But when they say "All is lost," All is not lost...

Understanding is standing under, looking up, in my perception, to learn from others who can teach.

I find myself in a 24 hour restaurant. Another day, another dollar spent. Today was supposed to be “day off.” Day off of what? I’m alive, aren’t I? Day off of living? No one really has a day off. Day off of work? My bills don’t pay themselves, buddy. Until I can I live go a day without thinking only this much more in debt, would it be wise for me to stop working? Day off so I could work do laundry? Sorry, I have to do laundry on days I work because the clothes don’t get clean because I asked them to not get dirty. And I’m sorry if this bugs you, Rob, but I’m not lazy enough to spray Windex on my apron to clean it. I think that’s pathetic.

I think the life that so many of my co workers lead is pathetic. What’s the point of having a job when you go out and spend your money on drugs and whores? What’s your contribution to this evil we name and accept as society?

As much as I am saddened by its decline, I accept that society exists, and although I would like to remove myself from the horrors it creates, I accept that by my sheer existence. I am the guy who understands Procul Harum. I hate the BP executives and their greed. I perpetuate the problems. I, unwillingly and begrudgingly, support and strengthen society.

As much as I am saddened by its decline, I accept that society exists, and although I see myself run from it, I embrace it. I see that the only way to change a system is by being a part of it. I do what I can to make others lives better, and by extension, it makes my life better. I am the guy who enjoys listening to Ke$ha. My greed rivals the BP executives. However, I don’t want my actions to rape the earth. I, willingly and wholeheartedly, support and strengthen society.

I realize that those two previous points are contradictory, but they exemplify the eternal paradox of my life. 

I spend my life trying to understand. Understanding life. Understanding God. Understanding that I am not the person people think I am. Understanding why people think I am better than I am. Understanding why others ignore humility.

Where I work now, I have problems. I am ostracized for embracing intelligence. I am rejected for thinking. For some, it concerns because I am not normal. For others, it concerns because I am a threat to them. I can’t just do everything they ask, without question. For the rest, it annoys. If they proclaim no one leaves until all the work is done, and I ask later why someone left, when the other two were still working.

If Heaven is where everyone puts others first, then living is the hard part. Death should be celebrated.